Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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