I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
