I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
