Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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