That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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