found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
