Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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