just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
