i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize