i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
