you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
