I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
