Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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