What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
