You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
