I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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