There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
