So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
God, I missed his penis.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize