i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
