He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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