the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
