Where is the hickey?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
