The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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