If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
