He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
