I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
