So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
