Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
