OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
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