Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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