In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I just found a bag of teeth...
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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