theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
