at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
