then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
