you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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