maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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