Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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