you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
