The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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