I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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