Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize