You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
