i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
