If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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