this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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