this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
