You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I checked into jail on foursquare
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
