mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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