im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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