I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
