apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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