Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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