My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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