If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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