So drunk its hurt
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
