I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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