Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
