I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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