How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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