Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So much rum. So many feels.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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