I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
