Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
