What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize