The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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