Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
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