We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
