Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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