Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
