Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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