I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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