the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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