How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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